Talk Southern to Me Read online

  Boondocks (country) These people live way out here in the boondocks.

  Britches (pants) How did you get your britches so dirty?

  Calf slobber (meringue) I make my pies with four inches of calf slobber.

  Carry (take) Will you carry me to the doctor?

  Carry on (act foolish) Stop carrying on in church — you’re embarrassing me!

  Chunk (throw) Stop hogging the ball and chunk it to me!

  Clicker (remote) Where on earth did you put the TV clicker?

  Cop a squat (urinate outdoors) Pull the car over; I gotta cop a squat.

  Cow’s tail (last) Hurry, I don’t wanna be the cow’s tail to this party.

  Crick (stitch) I woke up with a terrible crick in my neck.

  Crocus sack (burlap bag) Lord, she’d look better wearing a crocus sack.

  Cut off (turn off) Please cut off that light.

  Dadnabbit (Damn) Dadnabbit! I burned my hand!

  Dark thirty (shortly after darkness falls) You better be home by dark thirty!

  Darken the door (enter) That heathen’s never darkened the doors of church.

  Darn tootin’ (affirmative) You’re darn tootin’ I’m excited for my vacation.

  Dinner ( lunch) Granny’s making fried chicken for Sunday dinner.

  Directly (soon) I’m leaving now, I’ll be there directly.

  Do me up (zip or button) Honey, will you come do me up?

  Do what? (excuse me) Do what? I couldn’t hear you for the hair dryer.

  Doohickey (object) This dress has a weird doohickey on it.

  Drop cord (extension cord) I need a drop cord for these Christmas lights.

  Druthers (desires) If I had my druthers I’d rather go to Cracker Barrel.

  Duck fit (fit of anger) He’s having a duck fit because he lost his cell phone.

  Dying duck fit (extreme fit) He’s having a dying duck fit over politics.

  Ear bob (earring) These were my grandmama’s diamond ear bobs.

  Falling out (argument) Those two had a falling out.

  Fiddle fart (wasting time) Stop fiddle farting around and come help me!

  Figuring (ruminating) Not sure what I’m gonna do but I’m figuring on it.

  Flap doodle (Damn) Flap doodle! I stumped my toe!

  Flarity tailed (flared) I want to wear a flarity tailed skirt to the wedding.

  Flew all over me (angered me) When she said that, it just flew all over me!

  Flip (crap) My roses didn’t do worth a flip this year.

  Fly flapper (fly swat) We need to get a new fly flapper for the lake house.

  Forty eleven (large quantity) I’ve already told you that forty eleven times!

  Friday week (next Friday) Can you babysit my kids Friday week?

  Frog strangler (big rainstorm) That frog strangler almost flooded the pond.

  Get-out (unit of measurement) I’m drunk as all get-out.

  Give out (exhaust or fail) Those cheap blenders tend to give out.

  Go whole hog (go all out) We’re going whole hog for this tailgate party.

  Goober (jackass) That feller I met at the bar was such a goober.

  Gown tail (pajamas) Lord, she’s out in the yard in her gown tail!

  Grass widow (woman separated from husband) Poor lady’s a grass widow.

  Grocery store feet (dirty feet) You need to wash those grocery store feet.

  Gully washer (big rainstorm) Looks like it’s coming up a gully washer.

  Hankering (yearning) I have a hankering for cornbread and buttermilk.

  Hard row to hoe (tough task) Emory Law School is a hard row to hoe.

  Hear tell (I’ve heard) I hear tell the mayor is cheating on his wife.

  Hickeydoodle (object or person) Old hickeydoodle finally sold his house.

  Hightail it (go fast) We’re gonna hightail it all the way to Panama City.

  Hissy fit (fit of anger) That child is famous for pitching hissy fits.

  Hissy fit with a tail on it (extreme fit) She pitched a hissy fit with a tail on it.

  Hitched (married) We’re gonna get hitched next June.

  Hockey (manure) Careful the grass is full of horse hockey.

  Hogwash (nonsense) That feller’s always talking hogwash.

  Hold ya taters (calm down) Hold ya taters, I’m on my way!

  Hose pipe (water hose) I’m watering my flowers with the hose pipe.

  Humdinger (unusual) She’s got a humdinger of a husband.

  Hunky-dory (excellent) I’m just hunky-dory; how are you doing?

  In the family way (pregnant) She’s not telling people but she’s in the family way.

  Itty-bitty (tiny) These itty-bitty buttons are downright annoying.

  Jeet (did you eat) Jeet yet?

  Kinfolk (relatives) I’ve gotta lot of kinfolk down in Louisiana.

  Knee baby (toddler) I’ve known her since she was a knee baby.

  Laid up (lying) Bless his heart, he’s laid up in the hospital.

  Let out (dismiss) What time does the elementary school let out?

  Libala (likey to) I better write it down ’cause I’m libala forget it.

  Lick and a promise (hasty job) I just gave the house a lick and a promise.

  Lightning bugs (fireflies) The kids are outside chasing lightning bugs.

  Lord have mercy (exclamation) Lord have mercy, I won the lottery!

  Lunch puppy (glutton) That lunch puppy ate the whole pecan pie.

  Make no bones (not going to fake ) I’m mad and I’m not gonna make no bones about it!

  Make out like (pretend) She tried to make out like she didn’t know anything.

  Mama and ’nem (family) How’s your Mama and ’nem doing?

  Mash (press) Dern! I mashed the wrong elevator button.

  ’Maters (tomatoes) Are you growing ’maters in your garden?

  Mess (bunch) We’re frying up a mess of catfish tonight.

  Miller (moth) Shut the door so the millers don’t get in the house.

  Nearabout (almost) I gotta go to the store ’cause I’m nearabout out of eggs.

  Nekid as a jaybird (totally naked) I saw him nekid as a jaybird.

  No-’count (crummy) That no-’count stylist gave me an awful haircut.

  Noggin’ (head) Use your noggin’ before you open your big mouth!

  Off kilter (not right) That feller’s always been off kilter.

  Out of whack (doesn’t work) My lower back is all out of whack.

  People (relatives) Now who are your people?

  Pert near (pretty close) I’m pert near out of hairspray.

  Peter out (fatigue) You’d be a good ball player if you didn’t peter out.

  Piddlin’ (wasting time) He spent the whole day piddlin’ around the house.

  Pilfering (sneaking) Do not go pilfering around in my closet.

  Playing possum (feigning sleep) Get up and stop playing possum!

  Pure tee (genuine) He did it just for pure tee meanness!

  Put on airs (act snobby) I can’t stand the way she puts on airs.

  Put up (can produce) I’m busy putting up ’maters and cucumbers.

  Raise (lower) Raise that window down.

  Rarin’ to go (anxious) These kids are rarin’ to go to the beach.

  Reach me (hand me) Reach me those shoes off the top shelf.

  Reckon (do you think) Reckon that new movie is worth seeing?

  Right good (very good) This cake’s right good, isn’t it?

  Rinky-dink (pitiful) That sure was a rinky-dink carnival.

  Rubbernecking (staring) There’s a car accident, so everybody’s rubbernecking.

  Ruckus (noise) Who’s making all that ruckus outside?

  Say who (excuse me) Say who? I’m confused.

  Scooter poopin’ (riding around) We’ve been scooter poopin’ all over town.

  Set up (thicken) I gotta make my tater salad so it’ll set up by tomorrow.

  Shindig (party) We’re going to a big shindig Saturday night.

&
nbsp; Shindy (disturbance) There was a big shindy up at the beer joint last night.

  Shine to (like) I’m starting to take a shine to the new preacher.

  Sight unseen (without looking) Never buy a car sight unseen!

  Skedaddle (leave) It’s getting dark; guess I better skedaddle.

  Skeeter (mosquito) These skeeters are eating me alive!

  Slap (totally) I’m worn slap out.

  Slew foot (pigeon-toed) It’s hard to teach a slew-footed child ballet.

  Smack dab (precisely) I’ve got a zit smack dab in the middle of my nose.

  Snockerpussed (very drunk) That woman’s snockerpussed at every party.

  Sorry (useless) You need to get rid of these sorry scissors and buy new ones.

  Spicket (water faucet) Make sure you turn that spicket all the way off.

  Spittin’ image (identical) That baby’s the spittin’ image of his Mama.

  Step-ins (underwear) I better do some laundry ’cause I’m out of step-ins.

  Stocking feet (sock feet) It’s too cold to go outside in your stocking feet!

  Stomping ground (home) South Carolina is my stomping ground.

  Sugar (kiss) You better come give me some sugar!

  Supper (last meal of the day) Tonight we’re having okra for supper.

  Tacky (heinous or shameful) She’s so tacky she makes chicken salad with Miracle Whip.

  Tallywacker (penis) That little boy can’t stop playing with his tallywacker.

  Tarnation (damnation) What in tarnation did you spill on my carpet?

  Thingamajig (object) Bring me that thingamajig that peels garlic.

  Tight (cheap) He’s so tight he never goes out to eat.

  Tizzy (uproar) She’s all in a tizzy over her neighbor’s loud dog.

  Took sick (became ill) Poor old Edna took sick over a month ago.

  Took up with (close relations) I can’t believe my ex took up with that tramp.

  Tore up (upset) I’ve been all tore up since I lost my job.

  Touched (not right) That poor old woman’s always been a bit touched.

  Triflin’ (good for nothing) You ought not be marrying that triflin’ man.

  Tuckered out (tired) I’m all tuckered out from my big yard sale.

  Tump (turn) You better tump over or your tan’s not gonna be even.

  Umpteen (large number) I’ve been to Dollywood umpteen times.

  Unbeknownst (unknown) Unbeknownst to me, he bought a new boat!

  Uppity (conceited) She’s been all uppity since she won homecoming queen.

  Used to could (previously could) I used to could do the splits.

  Well, I’ll be (surprised) She got a face-lift? Well, I’ll be.

  Weuns (we all) Weuns are tired of youburning trash in the neighborhood.

  What in the Sam Hill (crazy) What in the Sam Hill are you doing?

  Whatchamadoodle (object) Where’s the whatchamadoodle for this earbob?

  Whereabouts (where) Whereabouts do you think you’re going?

  White lightning (moonshine) That feller’s white lightning is potent.

  Whomper jawed (misaligned) My tires are all whomper jawed.

  Wingdinger (atypical) Lord, this day was a wingdinger!

  Wrecker (tow truck) I had to call a wrecker ’cause my car broke down.

  Wrench (wring) Wrench out that mop when you’re finished.

  Yonder (over there) They live down yonder next to the cemetery.

  Youins (you all) Youins better not set foot on my property.

  Youngin’ (child) I don’t know how that teacher puts up with those rotten youngins.

  Acknowledgments

  First and foremost I would like to thank the devoted fans of the Southern Women Channel. My most unexpected joy in life is that my YouTube videos have brought so many folks so much laughter. Thank y’all for watching, for writing me, and for celebrating Southern humor with me. Thanks for subscribing to the channel, following our social media platforms, and for insisting I make more videos, because without your support, I would not have had the chance to write this book.

  This book definitely would not have been possible without my astute literary agent, Berta Treitl, and her team at Renaissance Literary & Talent. Berta, thank you for finding me on YouTube and persuading me to write a book. Thank you for patiently holding my hand through the process, answering my forty-eleven questions, and staunchly persevering until we secured the right book deal.

  My sincere appreciation goes to the entire team at Gibbs Smith for the opportunity to write this book and for loving it as much as I do. To my phenomenal editor, Katie Killebrew, thank you for believing in this book and my vision. Thank you for your guidance, for the creative freedom you gave me, and for trusting my Southern voice even when you could barely decipher it.

  My steadfast manager and friend, Cindy Ambers, to say thank you for everything would never suffice. Thank you for encouraging me to write and write and write and to always channel my Southern voice. Your confidence in my talent astounds me. Your ability to coach me through disappointment is invaluable. And bless your heart, you deserve a medal for indulging my long-winded conversational nature. I am extremely grateful to you and the entire team at Art/Work Entertainment.

  To my brilliant lawyer Erik Hyman at Loeb & Loeb, thank you so very much for having faith in me, for your trusted guidance, and for interpreting all that dadgum legalese! I pray I become successful enough to buy you a designer seersucker suit, because I know you’d look handsome as a Georgia lawyer in it.

  I don’t even know where to begin thanking all the phenomenal Southerners who have so graciously donated their time, talent, homes, and wardrobe to help me build the Southern Women Channel. Your hilarious personalities inspire my writing and your Southern spirits keep me from having a nervous breakdown in Los Angeles. I am forever indebted to Katherine Bailess, Sheila Hawkins, Delaine Yates, Logan Browning, Kim Kendall, Chasity Smith, Clarinda Ross, Laura Bell Bundy, Patricia Altschul, Aisha Atkins, Annie Sims, Carsyn Bolin, Sasha Koziak, and Del Shores. I’m sure by the time this book is printed there will be more video participants that deserve my gratitude, so I will thank y’all in advance to avoid being rude as all get-out.

  The YouTube channel requires loads of help. I must give a special shout-out to my niece Maya Sokolow who took on the daunting task of organizing my collection of Southernisms and along the way learned to speak “Southern” as a second language. Thank you, sugarpie! You’ll be a published writer yourself one day . . . I’ll bet the farm on it.

  Thanks to Troy Christian for your ridiculous talent, to Jeff Fisher for your versatile talents, and to the wonderful musicians: Barney Malin, Heather Bennet Cibula, and Eli Sokolow. Immense thanks goes to those who have patiently endured my meticulous requests—editors: Michelle Patterson, Jose Salazar, and Lou Baldanza; website designers: Matt Billings and Maurice Martineau, and graphic artist Shana Cinquegrana. And big thanks go to Varthuhi Oganesyan, Amy Clites, and Kiara Franklin for all your help.

  To Celia Rivenbark and Delia Ephron, you are both writers that I’ve admired for many years, so I am much obliged and humbled by your kind endorsements. I must also extend my sincere gratitude to Amy Jackson at UMG Nashville and Sam Haskell for your incredible support and steady friendship. And to the Queen of the South, Dolly Parton, I am tremendously grateful for your support, inspired by your homespun artistry and grace, and so very honored that you even know I exist on the planet Earth!

  A heartfelt thank you goes to Howie Deutch and Lea Thompson for generously allowing me to shoot at their horse corral and to Peter and Jen Micelli, Cindy and Craig Block, and Ryan Martin for allowing me to shoot at their homes. And to Mama and ’nem’s neighbors on White Oak Road—thanks for putting up with my shooting all over the neighborhood.

  Mama and Daddy, this book clearly would not exist if y’all had not conceived me in the South, raised me in the South, and instilled a tremendous sense of Southern pride in my soul. I’m truly inspired by your innate s
ense of humor that God so graciously sprinkled on me. I so appreciate the sacrifices you both made so I could pursue my dreams in places painfully far away from you. Above all, thank you for your love, for supporting me in all my endeavors, and for your unwavering belief in me. I am eternally grateful for your Southern wisdom that continues to be my life compass.

  To the rest of my hysterical Southern family: Kathy, Larry, Billy, Lana, Legend, Jimmy, Linda, Lucy, Page, Brandon, Angela, John Allen, Ward, Joe, Alice, Bill, Christine, Sandy, Jan, Stephanie, Dave, Myrtle, Bam Bam, Sadie, Bo, Sarah, Warren, and especially Granny Winnie, Papa Cooter, Granny Fowler, and Papa Fowler—thank y’all for your love and superb Southern wit. Some of you have passed on, some of you I don’t get to see often, but in one way or another you have all shaped my life in ways that will forever leave an imprint.

  Ginormous thanks must be given to my husband and tireless head cheerleader, Sam Sokolow. I’m in awe of your love, loyalty, and contagious optimism. Thank you for encouraging my various artistic pursuits and for believing in me even when I don’t believe in myself. Thank you for taking off your fancy “Emmy Nominated Executive Producer of Television” hat and working as my one-man band crew. The Southern Women Channel simply could not exist without your generous dedication of time and production expertise. Thank you for championing my Southern voice, for your ability to navigate my quirky Southern nature, and for tolerating my constant criticism of your tacky Yankee ways.

  Speaking of Yankees, I must thank my mother-in-law, the brilliant Diane Sokolow, for taking this Southern belle under your wing many years ago, for enduring a million “yes ma’ams,” and for mentoring me as a writer. To Alec, Leslie, Maya, Eli, Betsy, Len, Emily, and Sarah—thanks for your love and support and for patiently understanding that Sam and I will always be the last to arrive because it takes Southern women forevah and evah to get ready.

  I’d also like to thank Tedi Gibbons, my high school English and drama teacher, who was the first person to suggest I had talent that could perhaps be funneled into a career and who gave me the most valuable gift of all—confidence.

  To my Gaffney gang—Leslie Potts Fulmer, Dana Phillips Pennington, April McCraw Bender, Cindy Whelchel Townsend, Nikki Hamrick Lyons, and Brad Gallman—thanks for decades of laughter, your devoted friendship, and for never letting me get too big for my britches.